When God Writes Your Story...

        When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a mom. On career day, people laughed when I said my lifelong goal was to be a mom. While my friends' desires to be firefighters, policemen, doctors, dentists, and lawyers changed over time, mine never did-it always stayed the same. I grew up in a house filled with Disney movies, princess-themed birthday parties, and Halloween costumes right out of the picture books. The funny thing is I was actually living in my own fairy tale with a stay-at-home mom and a hard working dad, who both loved The Lord with all their hearts and taught my sister, my brother, and me the same values...all that was missing was my prince charming.

        As a kindergarten teacher, I thought how will I ever find Mr. Right? One day, God introduced my "dream" husband to me as our new P.E. coach and prepared me for my very own fairy tale. My students were in love with him and it wasn't long until cupid struck their teacher. I made a list when I was 16 years old of twenty things I wanted in my future husband.  Aside from being a little tone deaf, he met all twenty requirements. On our first date, we discussed names for our children and I instantly knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My students were our biggest fans and they cheered us on all the way down the altar. We were engaged 6 months into our relationship and married 3 months later. You are probably thinking that is CRAZY, but when God places the one in your life you've prayed for and saved yourself for for 23 years, why wait?

        On our one year wedding anniversary, we decided we loved our lives with our 3 pound Yorkie-Poo, Ally, but our undying love for children gave us the desire that we were more than ready to be parents. I couldn't wait to be a mom and I remember waking up one morning so excited thinking "I bet I'm pregnant and don't even know it yet". We were both giddy about how we would tell our families and how thrilled they would be. Little did we know that God had another plan for our lives. 
        Those exciting days grew into painful months and those painful months turned into a stressful year. My OBGYN ran several tests on me, prescribed several different medications, and tried a few procedures, but eventually looked at me and said, "This is where we part ways. There is nothing more I can do for you. I'm going to have to refer you to an infertility specialist." A WHAT?! I wanted to scream and cry all at the same time. No one on either side of our families had ANY problems getting pregnant and my lifelong dream of being a "mommy" couldn't be shattered at the age of 24! Reality hit both of us pretty hard and after many tears, we moved on to the specialist filling out 3 hours of detailed paperwork. 

       God was literally with me at all times, even though there were a lot of ups and downs. When I would receive a baby shower invite in the mail, when I would cry in the middle of TJ Maxx's baby isle buying a gift for someone, when I suffered another childless Mother's Day, or when I would see another baby announcement on Facebook, He was always there to wipe my tears away. Our plan was to be the first of all of our friends to start the "baby boom" and now those friends were already having their second and third child, which proves how powerful God's plan is for our lives vs. our own. Some nights I would turn off the lights and shut the closet door belting out to Kari Jobe with both hands lifted high, crying so hard I couldn't even sing a note. He always knew my need as I prayed with the heart of Hannah in 1 Samuel that if He would grant me a child one day, I promised to always give Him the glory.
      During our first visit, I was a total wreck. I cried the whole way to Birmingham, even riding up the elevator and walking into the office, but a small voice in the back of my mind kept saying, "Be still and know that I am God." I was saved when I was 7 years old and I knew there was nothing my God couldn't handle. I had recently seen God heal my grandmother and my boss from cancer before my very eyes and I knew He was still in the "miracle business". We spent a miserable year with an infertility specialist who referred to me as "the mystery girl" trying more medications, 3 expensive rounds of fertility shots mixed with IUI's, and eventually surgery to see what was going on. He removed my inflamed appendix and determined that I had "mild" endometriosis. However, once again we'd maxed out our doctor's knowledge, along with our insurance. From then on, everything would be out of pocket, including over $18,000 (not including medication) worth of IVF treatments we were about to face. 
      To squeeze 2 years into a few sentences, we eventually moved on to another specialist.  We tried 6 rounds of IVF, which gave us two precious angel babies that we will get to see again one day in heaven.  We had done a shared risk IVF package and we said if we got to the end without a live birth, we would answer God's call for us to adopt.  

       We found out on Halloween that adoption would be our next adventure, although it took several months for me to cope with 2 years wasted and most of that IVF money gone.  On New Year's Eve, we decided to go all in with a local adoption agency.  Again, we found ourselves giddy thinking that infertility was so hard that nothing could be worse.  We filled out all the paperwork, wrote a large check, and sat through several interviews where we felt like our faith was being questioned and open adoption was being forced on us.  We found ourselves doubting our faith, our marriage, and each other's ability to parent so we felt like God was telling us to move on.  

       We took a break from that agency and within a month we got a phone call about a birth mom who did not want to parent her baby.  She didn't know the gender yet, because it was still early and we were so excited to think that God could have made this perfect match in less than a month of answering His call to adopt.  I can remember driving down the road on a snowy day when I received the phone call that the birth mom had a late term abortion and this baby would never wear our name.  I had to pull over because my heart looked like shattered glass and my shirt was drenched with tears.  "And if not, You are still good Lord."

       3 months later, we received another phone call that there was a young girl who was looking for an adoptive family and she was really excited about us.  She was local so meeting her would be very easy and immediate.  She was due in one month with a precious baby girl. The morning of our interview we got in the car and the song lyrics playing were "Who makes the orphan a son and daughter? The King of glory, the King of glory."  Joe and I looked at each other and started crying our eyes out.  We knew only God could orchestrate something like this.  The ride there was very nauseating, but we listened to our recent church sermon on "Miracles" to calm us down and to remind us who was in control.  When we saw her walk in, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I could literally see my baby's face just looking at her. My baby could have dimples like Joe's just like I had always prayed for.  I hugged her and Joe said the most beautiful prayer to begin our meeting.  This is exactly why I married him because he was my best friend, my prayer warrior, my knight in shining armor.  He was strong when I was weak and he loved me at my worst.  The interview was perfect and she was 100% sure that she did not want this baby.  She was young and wanted to begin college, so she did not have time to take care of her and said she never wanted kids anyway.

        One week later, our lawyer was coming into town for the birth mom to sign the adoption paperwork and the birth mom went into labor the same day.  Joe and I had our hospital bags packed and we waited on standby to go pick up our long awaited miracle.  She said she needed time and we respected her wishes.  We kept not hearing from her and my discernment kicked in telling me this would not be our child.  However, my human self wanted to make it happen.  I had already planned my first Mother's Day with her, which was a few short weeks away.  I thought I would finally be rewarded for the painful years of waiting.  We had already told our families and they were living out of a suitcase in hopes that we could all stay at the hospital while our dreams came true.  Our parents would be grandparents.  My grandparents would be great-grandparents.  Our sisters and brothers would be uncles and aunts.  We went out to eat near the hospital in hopes that we might hear something, but we didn't until the dreaded text a few days later. "I changed my mind.  After I saw her face, there is no way I could give her up.  I'm sorry to drag y'all along and if there was anyway I knew I would keep her I wouldn't have gotten y'all involved."  I felt like I had miscarried again, but this time in my heart instead of in my tummy.  It took me a LONG time to get over this baby.  She was mine and I was hers in my heart, mind, and soul, but it wasn't God's plan. "And if not, You are still good God."  

        Someone told us about an adoption agency in Florida, and around the 4th of July we got a phone call from them saying they had several situations that we would be interested in if we could hurry and submit our paperwork.  We had a home study done the day we got home, we paid all the registration fees, and we were set to go.  Weeks went by, months went by, and finally on Thanksgiving break we got a phone call about a birth mom who would give birth in three weeks to a precious baby girl.  They said, "She didn't like you, she loved you and there is a 100% chance she will not keep this baby.  This will be your last Thanksgiving as a family of 2. Congratulations!"  We were ecstatic!  We spent the whole break buying clothes, a diaper bag, bibs, a stroller, a car seat, and we even painted our nursery pink.  I had never bought anything before for our baby, but this time I would show God my faith to know that this would happen. This baby was going to be ours and we were all in!  We packed the baby's suitcase and both of our suitcases just in case she might go into labor early.  We lived out of those suitcases for the next two weeks and I did sub plan after sub plan for the girl who would do my maternity leave for the next few months.  Everything was ready to go and we stared at our phones 24/7, barely sleeping.

         Weeks went by, days went by, and we found ourselves past her due date when we finally got the phone call from the CEO of the agency.  "Hi, bad news.  She went into labor early, had a secret birth at the hospital, and she is home now with the baby.  I'm sorry it didn't work out.  We will use your $18,000 toward your next adoption.  We will put you guys on the top of the list and I am betting by Christmas Eve you have your baby.  We always have a stork baby this time of year and you guys will be our Christmas miracle."  We are still waiting for that phone call as we find ourselves 6 months later.  "And if not, You are still good Father."

       My whole life I thought a testimony was someone who had been through something difficult and had a happy ending.  I grew up in church my whole life and I have heard numerous testimonies where God prevailed over their terrible circumstances.  However, God has shown me over the course of the last 5 years that a real testimony is one where someone has been through something difficult and they don't have their happily ever after yet.  They still know and still believe God will answer one day.  

       15 IUI's, 6 rounds of IVF, 2 miscarriages, 3 failed adoptions, and we are still anxiously waiting for our miracle.  My motto and my favorite verse is "And if not, He is still good." -Daniel 3:18.  I haven't perfected this, but every day I pray and praise God that He is still good even when He doesn't answer my prayers.  I know He catches every tear and not one goes unnoticed.  His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.  He knows every hair on my head so He also picks up the pieces of my broken heart and He puts it back together when this life doesn't work out the way I thought it would.  He knows our inmost being and He created us in our mother's womb.  Sometimes instead of answering our prayers, He simply asks us to cling to hope and to have the "faith as small as a mustard seed" to know one day He WILL answer.  Until then, He is good.

Thy Will Be Done...

       My husband and I left church today and went to eat lunch with my brother.  It was a normal day and we were running errands when all of a sudden, we saw her.
       Last week, my former boss told me about a homeless girl that was begging for money near our local mall.  He gave her some money and when she stood up, he could tell she was pretty far along in her pregnancy.  He immediately called his wife to meet him so that they could both speak to her about her plan for the baby.  When they got back, she was gone.  He felt terrible that he didn't get to her soon enough, but he didn't want to intimidate her or speak to her without his wife around to help him.
       A few days later, someone was telling me about a post they saw on Facebook.  They had seen someone who was helping a pregnant homeless girl, but in the meantime she had gone into early labor and delivered a baby who was placed in the NICU.  They didn't know many details, so a friend of mine called the girl to find out the real story.
      This homeless girl was married to a man who was abusive and she had no plans of giving this baby up for adoption.  I sent the friend of mine one of our adoption cards in hopes that the girl might consider us if she could see our desperate faces and happy smiles as we blinked back tears.  I never heard from the girl, so I assumed the girl kept the baby.  The baby was always mentioned in my morning prayer to the Father.  I would ask Him to keep the baby safe and to give this baby a good life, regardless of these terrible circumstances she was born into.  If it was meant to be, God would work it out and bring her into my life.
      Joe and I were driving past the mall when I screamed, "There she is! It's her! It's her! Pull over NOW!"  We drove around and looked at her face and it was definitely her.  We also read her sign and it said, "Please help! Baby is in the NICU and we need your help!"  I called the girl who had been helping her to see if she had any advice.  She told us to park far away so that her abusive husband couldn't see our car.
      Joe and I parked a mile away and with each step we took our hearts beat faster.  What would we say to this girl?  How do you beg someone for something you have prayed for your whole life?  I tried to swallow my tears, but when we turned the corner we could see her sitting there with a big, beautiful smile.  "Hi!  How are you?" she said.  I couldn't get any words out, but thankfully Joe could.  He said the perfect words like he had practiced talking to a homeless pregnant girl his whole life.  I couldn't fathom giving birth a few days before and sitting on the side of the road now.  If that were my baby, I would be sitting outside the NICU watching her breathe.  We gave her some money and Joe hid my number inside the bills so that her husband couldn't see the exchange.
       Before we walked off, Joe asked her if we could pray for her.  She said that was fine and seemed to be a believer herself.  Joe's prayer was perfect and it reminded me of the night we got engaged.  It was so perfect then, but I couldn't remember a word when it was over.  Same thing now, I was just like Dory from Finding Nemo as it went in one ear and out the other.  All I could do was sob uncontrollably.  What a humbling experience this was to get to pray with a homeless girl on the side of the road.  I remember telling her she was beautiful and that we were praying for her and her baby.
       I wanted to stand there forever and get down on my hands and knees until she agreed to give that baby a better life.  A homeless mother and an abusive father was more than I could stand for that precious newborn lying safely in a hospital bed.  This time in the NICU would be the safest she would ever be in her life and it was really weighing down on me.  I wanted better for her.  I wanted her to be safe even more than my strong desire to be a mother.
      With each step we took as we walked away, the tears fell harder.  This is something Joe had gotten really good at- holding me while I cried.  For 5 years, there have been more tears over our children and lost children than I care to count.  However, I am thankful our God says, "You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book." (Psalm 56:8) I knew God was listening and He catches all my tears, but I truly wanted Him to intercede on this one.
       As we drove home, I prayed silently as Joe listened intently to worship music.  I praised God for this amazing opportunity to minister to this mother.  I praised God for that precious little life laying in the hospital.  I praised God for the man He created just for me.  When I am weak, Joe is strong and I could not be more grateful for the wonderful man that He is.  Each day, God reminds me how Joe is "fearfully and wonderfully made."  Even on our worst days, we are still blessed.  Today was the perfect reminder of that.

When God's Ways are Higher...

     In the last month, my husband and I were approached about adopting a baby.  While part of me was really excited, the other part of me wasn't sure.  We had little time to pray over it and decide, so eventually we politely declined.
     In the meantime while we pondered over this decision, God was at work.  He was working on behalf of another sweet family who would soon become a family of four.  This precious couple had adopted an Ethiopian baby years before.  As they boarded a plane and crossed the oceans, God prepared a sweet baby girl for them to love and cherish.
     Fast forward 4 years later when this sweet girl was in desperate need of a "brown brother or sister" who looked like her.  As we declined this baby, the other couple's dreams were coming true.  Their precious baby girl who was adopted years earlier would get the sibling she had been dreaming about.  The couple had just finished their last class for DHR training hours before they received a phone call that would change their lives forever.  Their home study was complete and they were the prime couple qualified to get this brand new baby.          
     Looking back now, I can see how God orchestrated every detail to give this family their missing puzzle piece.  Months before, this soon-to-be mom had a miscarriage and her baby would have been born the same day this new baby would be born.  It's funny how God knows what we need long before we ask Him.  I am so thankful God allowed me to see Him work in the life of this family and to see how even when our dreams don't come true, other families dreams do.  I feel like this was God's way of giving me hope for the future.  He showed me His faithfulness for this family and He would show His faithfulness in ours.  There would be a day when His promises would be revealed, but until then, thank you Lord for using me in your plan.

When your 6th childless Mother's Day falls on your birthday...

When your 6th childless Mother's Day falls on your birthday:
        I woke up today unlike most days where I had to FORCE myself to see God's goodness.  Usually before each day begins, He reminds me that His mercies are new and I praise Him before my feet ever hit the ground.  Today would be different.  Today would be hard.
        I had prayed for months and months that God would redeem my birthday this year as it fell on Mother's Day.  I thought this would be my first "earned" Mother's Day and it would also ironically be on my birthday. How much more special does it get for you God?  Maybe this is what you have been waiting for for 6 years! You needed a special day to show up and show out.  However, those months of prayer flew by and I was still left childless.  In the weeks prior, we had opportunities to adopt babies that had passed us by and what I thought to be a miraculous biological pregnancy.  I was wrong about both and I was still only a mother to my sweet heavenly babies.
        However, as I walked out to the beach that morning, the first thing I see is a mother duck with 15 little ducklings following closely behind.  God immediately put the verse Psalm 113:9 on my heart, "He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.  Praise the Lord."  How does God speak to me in something so simple?  Thank you Lord for seeking me on my worst day in the smallest thing.  Every day He continues to whisper to me in my darkest hour, "And you will call her Faith."  I know my baby is coming and I have no doubt that I will be a mother one day, but the waiting is hard.
        Days like today make it almost impossible to combat satan.  He uses each perfect family by the pool to remind me that other families have what I so desperately desire.  They didn't have to spend thousands for a child, lose a baby to heaven, or cry daily through a continued state of childlessness.  "Happy Mother's Day!" they say through cheesy smiles in Polo shirts and Lilly Pulitzer dresses, while I could crumble like an old cookie at any second.
        However, I am reminded that God knew on May 8, 1987 that May 8, 2016 would be a struggle for me and He loved me enough to bring me through it.  Thank you, Lord, for loving me the way that you do. Thank you for choosing me.