Last week, I took Faith for a routine checkup to be sure her ear infection was gone. I saw several friends in the office with their babies and I still have to pinch myself that I finally have mine. She spit up all over me and all over herself so I had to change her clothes. The nurse and I laughed as she walked me back telling me it would be a good idea to leave an extra change of clothes for me in my car now that I'm a "mommy".
The Dr. cleared us of the ear infection and continued her routine physical. She started pushing on Faith's stomach and I immediately knew something was different. Faith is usually giggling and smiling every time she wraps her little feet around this sweet doctor's wrist, but now the laughing had stopped and her eyes looked concerned. The doctor kept pushing and pushing and I finally broke the silence with "Is something wrong or is it too scary to tell me?" She said she wanted to continue with the rest of the exam and come back to it before she said anything. Before I could blink back the tears, she was back to her stomach. With a deep sigh, she finally said she did feel something. It wasn't something that she said wouldn't be okay, but she couldn't promise me that it would be okay.
The tears began to flow. The warm kind of tears that come from a deep place in your heart where it really hurts. She wanted to see us again in a week to see if it grew. I finally got enough courage to ask her what she thought it was so I could pray more specifically over Faith's body. She said possibly the "t" word (tumor) and I didn't hear anything after that. I quickly put Faith's clothes back on and hurried to the car before all of my makeup melted onto my shirt. It was like living in a nightmare and you can't wake yourself up.
Faith began to cry as she saw me cry. She knew something was wrong, because this was the first time since the day we met she had seen tears of sadness instead of tears of joy fall from my face. I began to immediately pray over her delicate body, begging God to heal what the Dr. had felt. Whatever was physically questionable I prayed for God to remove it. He had done it in so many stories in the Bible and I knew He could do it now. After all, He did give me this precious gift.
I called Joe on the way home and in between sobs he pieced together sentences out of the few words I was able to muster up. (He perfected this art on the infertility/failed adoption roller coaster our marriage has endured over the years.) He reminded me that God didn't give us the keys to drive the car once He gave us Faith. He would always be the driver and He would always be in control all the days of our lives. He took me back to last January when God wanted me to name her Faith and how much FAITH it took to get her. In 1 Samuel, Hannah gave her baby to God all the days of his life and we had done the same thing with Faith since the first day we met her.
"You of little faith" I began to think. My God is bigger and He is better than anything Satan could throw at me today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now. When our faith is tested, we either run from God or run to God. I'm so glad He was waiting for me with open arms as I ran to Him on the chilly drive home that day.
It's an honor to be a child of the King who isn't offended when our faith is shaken. He gives us time to cry and let human nature run it's course. Then, He straightens our crown on our heads and dusts us off even when we fail Him. This lyric spoke to my heart as the CD played on the drive home that day:
"Throwing Your arms around me
You held me like I was Yours
Like You'd been there the whole time waiting, I was found in You."
Street called Mercy- Hillsong United
I didn't know what that next week would hold when I walked into that office with my miracle and her diaper bag, but I did know "And if not, He is STILL good."
An excruciating week later, the Dr. pushed around on her stomach again at the checkup. This time her demeanor was different and her load was light. After several minutes that felt like hours she said, "Well, whatever I felt last week God has removed. I could feel it easily at her last exam and I can't even find it today. This is what I prayed for. It's gone." Tears of joy fell from both of our cheeks. We were so relieved to get a good report and to know our baby was healthy again.
Each day, God reminds me how incredibly blessed we are that this little miracle came into our lives on that perfect August afternoon. She is and always will be THE greatest gift I've ever been given. Thank you, Lord, for another miracle and for the health of this precious child You chose to name Faith. With "faith as small a mustard seed", let her move mountains and be a world changer in the days to come.
