I grew up in a southern Baptist church where Mother's Day was always a big deal. The oldest mother always got a special rose and the youngest mother did too. My goal was to get that youngest mother rose one day after I got married. My plans were to have my babies at a young age and have a completed family by the age of 30. (Only by God's amazing grace do I even have 1 baby at 30.)
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. Is your desire to be a mom? Don't lose hope. If He's given you that desire, it's there for a reason and He will answer. There were MANY days when I thought those desires I felt were my desires but then I had to remind myself that if I had them, God put them there. Each time I lost hope He would use someone, some verse, or some thing to remind me that He would answer.
It is so hard to see others' dreams come true without a hitch while you've waited months, years, or what seems like a century for yours. Some women have no idea how long you have dreamed about that poopy diaper they are gagging over or how tight their clothes are getting as their womb expands or how you have waited for the day you could wear spit up on your shirt to work.
I can remember an incident a while back where I was holding a baby and it spit up all over me. The circle of women (mothers) all laughed when I quickly gave him back to his mom. They thought I was about to throw up because I wasn't a "mother" so I couldn't stomach it. What they didn't know was I went to the bathroom and cried because I longed for the day when I would have my baby spit up on me. What appears on the outside isn't always the same as what's on the inside.
A few months ago there was a perfect reminder of all of those things for me, because motherhood is something I will never take for granted. We went to a birthday party and I felt like it was my first "earned" motherly outing. I used to not get invited to my friends' things because I didn't have a baby, but now that I have one it seems I've earned my place in the "mom club".
Flash back to exactly one year ago. This was the same house that I left crying from a baby shower because I felt like I was invisible. Everyone was talking about what brand of diapers they love and how their baby wasn't sleeping well, while I stood there and grinned through tears longing for the day that I could relate. I used to refer to it as my "gracious loser face" because that's all I could seem to muster up. (I don't do awkward well.) We were married long before all these couples started dating, and now they all sneezed and had children.
This time, I participated in conversation and felt like I truly earned this experience I was talking about. Our child giggled on the same changing pad that I had secretly gone into the nursery and prayed over last year. My lap was full this year with our sweet angel while last year all I held was my purse and my broken heart. People looked at me in awe this year while last year was a look of "Why are you here without a baby?"
This precious couple also had infertility trouble and while their experience was short lived, I still grew close to this sweet soul on her journey. Oh how I longed for the day that our miracles could be friends. While most of my friends moved on with their perfect lives, this friend never failed to check on me and send encouragement along the way. When I didn't feel like I would ever be a mother, she always reminded me that one day I would be a great one. She's also the only person I have ever known that cried when she delivered her baby at the hospital and apologized that it hadn't happened to me yet. Who does that? Someone who truly gets it. I didn't want her to cry because it was the best day of her life, but at the same time she was validating how much she wanted to see God bless our family the way He had blessed hers.
Last year, I drove away from this same house in tears of sadness and told God I couldn't do it anymore. I could not live with a desire that He wouldn't answer for the rest of my life and I begged Him to take it away if it wasn't of Him. However, as the months toward getting Faith grew closer, that desire got even stronger.
This year I drove away with tear-filled eyes again, but not from sadness, from pure JOY. Each step I took carrying my sweet blessing toward the car was a reminder of God's faithfulness to show how far He carried me the past year. All I could do was thank Him for this precious and perfect gift that was grinning at me while tears fell out of my sunglasses. She was the desire of my heart and He had answered.
I know some days are worse than others for you. I know people don't understand and those that do know your struggle don't know what to say to make life better. Just know that your Heavenly Father does. Each Facebook post with a pregnancy announcement, each baby shower invite you get in the mail, and each baby aisle you pass brings you one day closer to your baby. Every sunrise you see is one closer to God answering your prayer. I am praying for you daily and I am believing with you that if your desire is to be a mother, God can and will answer.
Happy Mother's Day to all of those who are waiting with pills, shots and treatments. Happy Mother's Day to those who have lost their baby to Heaven. Happy Mother's Day to those who are waiting on that phone call to pick your miracle up at a hospital. This is a day that the Lord has made and one day soon you will be holding the desire of your heart. I can promise you it will make that Mother's Day even sweeter when it does come. Until then, I am praying for you. "Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." ~Habakkuk 2:3
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