First off, I want to tell all of the women who are reading this and so desperately want a baby to save this blog post and come back to it one day. I know you desire to be a mother so badly and want to relate to it, but can't yet. I remember opening articles/blogs about babies and crying because I couldn't relate to the love it described that I so deeply yearned for. Mommas, please take a minute to stop before reading and pray for the ladies who so desperately long for what I describe below that you and I both take for granted daily. We are praying and believing that God answers the prayers of those who want children and we can't wait to celebrate with you one day soon!
Today was a regular day. My child slept almost zero last night which means my husband and I slept ZERO. We have successfully tried to cut the night time feedings out of Faith's sleep schedule for the past few weeks, but after 3 hours of fighting it, we finally gave in to a bottle. She is cutting 4 teeth, we ate an early dinner, she went to bed earlier than normal, etc. I could go on and on as to why we caved, but in my mind, it's failure...it's regression.
I have learned in the short 10 months of being a mom that our worst enemy of parenting is ourselves. By nature, I am a perfectionist. I have a touch of OCD and I set goals for myself that, in other people's eyes, are unattainable. I will push myself to meet them, even knowing how unrealistic they are in my mind. These traits pay off to be a fairly successful kindergarten teacher because we get a LOT done in the school day, but as a mom, I end up beating myself up. Why does our house look like a tornado hit? Why are there constantly dishes and laundry that need to be done? Why can't I get myself together the way I did prior to Faith?
Today, as my child napped on my chest, the way she has all summer because time with her is so precious to me, I heard God say "Be still". With her every breath that went up and down on my chest, tears fell from my eyes. You see, waiting to be a mother for 6 years has taught me that the dishes don't matter, laundry will get done, and our house can look like a bomb went off because in 17 short years she will be gone. I know I will blink and she will be driving away with a trunk full of suitcases and I will be a basket case the way my parents were as I pulled off and headed to The University of Alabama.
I'm sure to most people, letting her nap on me is time wasted from house chores. Sometimes the enemy even taunts me with "Imagine how much I could get done with one extra hour to myself every day". To be honest, I don't even get to use the restroom without her smiling and pulling up on my legs (TMI, I know). However, every time I see a stack of laundry that needs to be put away, I am reminded that that place on the sofa is the same place that I cried after my miscarriages. The dishes in the sink remind me of all the tears I cried over an empty sink because I had nothing else to fill my time with. The area where all of her toys are sprawled out everywhere is the same place I got the phone call that our adopted baby was born at Christmas and the birth mom decided to keep her. I cried on that clean, toyless carpet for hours with tears streaming down my cheeks as worship music played in the background. Our house was spotless, but our hearts were broken.
I know my circumstances aren't the same as most of yours and I'm sure my trials make parenthood different for me, but I just wanted to share my heart with you. Please stop letting the enemy defeat you and please stop thinking you aren't good enough. Enjoy time with your babies, because they won't keep. I feel like just yesterday Faith had her first smile as a newborn and now I'm chasing her all over the house as she screams "Mama", "Dada", and "Ally" (or her version of it). Yes she tries to pull the blinds off the wall, yes she licks the dog because she knows she's not supposed to, and yes she's just like every other baby getting into EVERYTHING, but today I will not let the enemy win. Today I choose JOY. Today, I will enjoy this baby for as long as I can knowing tomorrow she is one day older and one day closer to independence.
Thank you, Lord, for this sweet gift and for the gentle reminder to be still. In the chaos of life, You let me enjoy the moment you've given me with this beautiful miracle. Please be with those who long for theirs and we know you WILL answer in your perfect timing. We know they will be wonderful mom's because they will know and appreciate the value of time as they continue to wait. Please be with those who have their miracles and remind them that life is precious and the chores can wait. Help us to prioritize according to your Word, meaning you are first and our family is second. We know everything else will fall into place, as it should. The investment we make in our children is eternal, while the things we stress over the most are worldly items. Thank you for the precious gift of time and for the knowledge to know that when we breathe our last breath we will never say that we spent too much time with our families. I cannot fathom a love any stronger than the bond Faith and I share, but I know the love I have for this baby doesn't even compare to the love you have for me. For that, I am forever grateful. Thank you for loving us in our weakest moments and for cheering us on even when the enemy has tattooed failure on our foreheads. You have the power to erase anything he writes, because we are a child of the King. Today, we CHOOSE joy. In Jesus name, Amen.
"Be joyful always, give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thes. 5:16-18
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